10 weeks of internship has arrived, went through, and ended.
I can't say that I was happy. Absolutely not. Especially when I think I have lost myself during the internship.
Firstly, I have always despised superficial and fake people. But, throughout these 10 weeks, I realised, I am exactly what I despised. In the past, if I don't like some people, my feelings will be shown on my face, and sometimes, even in my conversation. Which is why I made some enemies over my 21 years of life. But I had always taken the fact with pride. I mean, if I don't like you, I certainly should be honest with both you and me, and naturally, honesty means me going up to you and say I dislike you. It feels me with pride when I am honest with myself. At least I won't have to pretend to be friends, and when your back is turned, I back-stab you like nobody's business. Yet now, the honesty was gone. I disliked, hated in fact, Ms Liong, but I could't voice it out. It's really tortuous not to voice out my contempt for her. Also, my senior. We are sort of in a love-hate relationship. I don't like the way she preaches, and especially when she doesn't practise what she preaches. Damn! Why or why? How can I be like that? Be very nice to some1, when my heart tells me to just be honest, and tell that some1 off. FAKE!
Secondly, Im not very sure if audit is the field for me. I hated the 10 weeks. and I don't know the reason. Was it audit? Or was it the people that I met? I certainly have got to figure out, asap. If its the former, then I should really not attend the mass recruitment at the end of the year. Imagine if I get bonded into a field that I hate. That would be hell for both me, and my friends. But if its the latter, then I should really find out where suits me. But, my senior has commented that audit is not for me. Ian tay too. I really don't know. How?!?!?!
Thirdly, I realised that I have lost my passion for studying. It seems just part and parcel of life. I just get very sick of it, and even when I get my results, not even an A+ perks me up. Not at all. Its like..oh..A+. ok lor. Not even a B- drowns me. Not at all. Its also like..oh..B-. ok lor. A+ and B-..its like the 2 extremes on the scale, and yet... they don't affect me anymore.
Hence..I have started Project S. Project Searching. I must find myself. Find out what in the world amazes me, and interest me. Life is short. I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life leading some1 presubscribed life. Honestly..my 21 years has been sort of wasted. I really believe that my life has been wad my parents have been hoping for. They are making me do the things that they havent done in their life. But please! you gave me life, but, the life is now mine. So..give me the space, and the right to choose what I want. Thanks.
Ok ..Project S..START! 初めて!頑張っておくれ！
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1 comment:
Zhen Ji! What a powerful entry you have here~ =)
Haiz, don't say that you're exactly what you despised, coz in as much as you should be truthful, it's not necessary or wise to wage a direct confrontation + full force backstabbing all the time. Moreover, what you tell should be true, but whatever is true you need not tell. Imagine if everyone speaks ALL the truths ALL the time, how broken-hearted will this world be? Coz many a time, the truth hurts.. =)
BUT, I've shown my true feelings in Unilever! A full-timer accused me of making a mistake in front of my soup, and right there and then, I confronted her by saying that she gave ambiguous and conflicting instruction, so how can she expect something right to come out of something wrong? Oops! That's me! Ever since, she hasn't shown me nice face, HAHA! =)
Well, I think you'll discover if audit is your cup of teh after the auditing module this sem. It's too early to jump to a conclusion now I guess, so, keep your options open for now yeah? I guess you're ok with anything so long as you're doing it with the nice and right people, haha~ =)
Lost your passion for studying? I think it's just being numb, after striving so hard for every semester. Each sem is like a compressed 'A' Levels, all cramped together. I'm feeling the same way too, so that's absolutely normal I guess.. =)
Project S? Think 'self-discovery' sounds better, hehe~ Don't think you've wasted your 21 years of life Zhen Ji! You're who you are because of the 21 years. So, if there's anything worth mentioning, I think it's the making and forming for the current Zhen Ji! Your unique identity and personality has been beautifully and creatively crafted, and that's the authentic you!
Smile Zhen Ji! =)
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